you have an ant in your mustache

today it was very awkward when an ant was crawling on my patient's bib

so i flicked it off, but it stuck to my gloved finger

and when i went to pull his lip back to continue working on the upper left quad

it went in his mustache and started crawling around

and i had to casually get it out all nonchalant

where the heck did that ant come from?

his pants i think

it's also awkward that my hottest guy patient came in today

and he doesn't brush very well or floss at all

and i don't have to courage to give him "the lecture"

because he's that attractive and also 6'7"

to tie these two anecdotes together i chose a picture of mustached christian bale:

a hot guy with a mustache.

"show her the mascaras"

i love going to the beauty counters at the mall

but i also hate them so much.

i went tonight after work, it's pay day.

i do so much research before i buy things

that when the ladies start forcing other products at me, 

going so far as to grab my hand and start painting my nails

with their $22 nail polishes that i just told them i didn't have an interest in

i get really, really annoyed. 

this summer i went to the beauty counters at nordstrom 

before a facial appointment

(lol i sound like a total brat)

so i didn't have a stitch of makeup on, big whoop.

actually huge whoop to the salesladies at the mall.

i swear i was the most popular person in there - 

i had to keep telling everyone,

 "no i have a facial in half an hour that's why i'm not wearing makeup"

my last stop was the dior counter - 

 i was looking at the lipsticks and there were two women behind the counter.

the one in front asked me "can i help you with anything?" 

with her affable, saleswoman smile

and as i was starting to give the standard "no i'm just looking"

the other smiling saleswoman, 

says breathily but forcefully to the first through her teeth, 

while maintaining eye contact with me

like a ventriloquist

"SHOW HER THE MASCARAS"

i was like listen. i have a facial. now lay off.

when i'm a saleswoman for a beauty counter 

i'm going to be so good at it because 

a) i can sell oral-b power toothbrushes all day easily

b) i won't be a total pushy idiot (lol sound like a brat again)

i will probably visit the beauty counters again on my next pay day. 

my fountain of youth joke

going to bring work home for a second

so i've told some of you before that i go through 

phases of phrases

with my patients...

i don't even know where they come from, 

i don't make any conscious effort 

to start a new one per week or anything like that - 

they just happen and then i notice that i'm using the same phrase repeatedly 

throughout the day/week/months

until it phases itself out and a new one starts

you just told me your totally obscure job description:

"oh my gosh how interesting"

you just told me about some silly thing your granddaughter said/did:

"you've got to be kidding me!"

you just told me an inside joke with your family (aka you had to be there): 

"stop"

to the patients with wheelchairs/walkers/canes when i leave the room:

"don't go anywhere"

cue senile chuckles

to the teens/adolescents when i leave the room:

brb (pronounced 'birb')

cuz i'm hip like that

to the lil brats kids who say i look 34 when i ask them how old they think i am:

"get out of my room and don't come back"

just kidding  - that was fake, i don't actually say that

but they think i look 34?! shit.

moving on...

lately i've been making references to the fountain of youth

always on the very elderly patients

and it seems to be a crowd-pleaser.

example:

such an old woman came in and she had short-term memory loss,

we're talking dory from finding nemo

but she had IMMACULATE skin

(little bit of exaggeration but nonetheless, i'd take it at her age)

i asked her what creams she uses (of course i did)

surprise! she couldn't remember - how convenient.

so i said "are you sure you haven't found the fountain of youth 

and you're just not telling me"

she LOL'd. so did i.

fountain of youth?! really? 

and today:

i'm ultrasonic-ing an old man patient up on his front teeth

the water-mist is going everywhere on his face, like it always does

at an appropriate pause, he says

"is this water doing anything to help my face?"

that's a gimme, gotta reference the FOY, how could i not?

so i said

 "actually we pipe this water in from the fountain of youth, 

so when i sit you up you're gonna be like  benjamin button 

and have wrinkle-free baby skin"

i haven't even seen that movie. 

but he loved it, 

made him laugh and forget about the water-mist all over his face.

gotta love that FOY.